Short Stories About Tall Men.

Heaven

It’s race day. I’m stoked as fuck. I grab a couple monsters for the road and head outside.

“Becky hurry the fuck up, you’re fucking slow as shit.” I yell at my girlfriend.

She comes running out the door lookin’ all hot. I like Becky. She has all the qualities I look for in a chick. Big boobs, nice ass, Everything.

We use the step ladders to get into the truck, and I peel out of my driveway. I get to the highway and merge without looking. I’m trying  to get her to give me road dome, but she’s being a cunt, and won’t. I’m driving hella fast past all these queer ass smart cars when all of the sudden she’s all “Look out for that truck!” and I’m all like “what the fuck dude”, so I look in front of me, and see this truck is doing a sweet ass drift right at us. Becky starts screaming, we collide with the truck. I fly through the windshield, and am spinning through the air. I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt because seatbelts are for pussies. I hit the ground and I just lay there for a second, feeling like shit. Next thing I know everything gets all blacked out, like my truck was.

I open my eyes and I’m in a big parking lot. I look around and see tailgaters everywhere. This place is like one huge party. The parking lot seems to go on for forever. I can’t see where it ends. This one dude is doing hella donuts all over the place. Some other dudes are ramping their dirtbikes over this flaming keystone truck. This one dude does a superman grab, and I”m like

“Gnarly as fuck bro.”

He lands, pulls down his all white Alpine Star shades and is like “nailed it bro.”

I look over and see these two huge gates in the shape of brass knuckles. They look way sick so I go towards them. As I draw near I see this one dude, yoked as fuck, J-chillin there in the front of the gates. I get near him and put on my mad dog face so he knows what’s up. He stares me down. We’re silent for a minute.

“Sup” he says.

“Not much, bro”. I reply.

He remains silent

I flex a little bit, and nod my head like to an invisible beat.

He says nothing.

I just stand there, wondering what this dude is about.

I’m all like “So can I go in?”

He’s like “Sure”

He steps aside, and the gates open. Light floods my vision.

I’m in this weight room now. There’s no ceiling, just open air. Rows of benches go on forever, like the parking lot. Weights are everywhere. Bro’s are lifting everywhere. I go to the nearest weight bench to start getting my swell on. I start putting weights on the bar, and I realize I can lift like a million pounds. I’m not surprised. I get thirsty, so I walk to the nearest water fountain, and get a drink. It’s muscle milk. Fucking bad ass.

I hear this sound, so I turn around and I see the biggest lifted truck that I have ever seen. It’s so tall that it goes up into the clouds. It pulls up to me, and I notice an elevator connected to it. There’s some huge ass truck-nuts hanging off the back, and I’m thinkin’ “fuckin sick as fuck.”

I step inside the elevator, and it shoots upward. There’s no gay-ass elevator music, Instead there’s some Daughtry playing.

I get to the top and the elevator opens. I step into this room with chill ass lounge chairs and there’s babes everywhere. There are Rockstar and Monster vending machines right when I walk in. This one dude with some huge ass dreads and sick tribal arm sleeves is just sitting there in the back on some big ass bean bags, chillin.

“Hey bro.” He says to me.

“Dude, sup. Where am I?” I ask

“You got fucked up by this semi, dude.” He says

“No fuckin’ way. What about my truck? I say, looking over at him

He just shakes his head.

“Fuck.”

“So am I dead, is this heaven?” I ask

“Totes” he replies.

“You can’t stay here though.” he says. “You got tons of shit to do on earth, so I’m sending you back.”

“But how?” I ask.

He motions for me to walk over to him. I walk near him, and he hands me this huge ass bong. “Rip this heavenly kush, dude.” he says.

I take a fatty rip, and then I get super dizzy. I start coughing way hard, and then I fall down. The last thing I hear is him calling me a bitch for not handling my shit.

I open my eyes, and i’m still coughing. I’m in a hospital now. These doctors are all in my face, and tubes and shit are everywhere. I’m like “fuck this” and pass back out.

I wake up again, and I’m alone, except for Becky and this one hot ass nurse

Becky’s crying like a bitch.

The nurse leans down over me to check my vitals. I scope her tits.

I can barely speak, but I”m all like “Becky, Nurse, give me double hospital-dome.”

They do.

It’s hella rad.

Poop

“Ludvig Van Beethoven.”

My teacher began. slowly walking around the perimeter of the student’s tables.“Can anyone tell me anything about Beethoven?” He looked around. One boy raised his hand. He had chestnut brown hair, and eyes as blue as the ocean. As he lifted his arm the other students noticed his rippling muscles, and were forced to avert their eyes for fear of blindness or impregnation.

“Yes, Joseph?” He said pointing to me.

“Well, first of all” I began, standing and turning to face the class. I put one foot on the table, and looked down at all the students.

“Where to begin? Ludvig Van Beethoven was able to lay train tracks faster than a machine. He led the Scottish to their freedom against the Brits. He had several bitches on his coattails at all times. He was the first man to discover America, but most importantly-”

I froze. Something was wrong. Very wrong. The class seemed to notice. It was completely silent. Everyone watching me, waiting for my next move, to see what would happen.

I sniffed around, licked my finger and felt for wind. No wind (I was in a classroom). Something happened. Something…changed. Something deep down in the dark recesses of my bowels began to come alive. The room began to spin, I could hear strange noises. Noises coming from inside of me. I felt something churning like a locomotive engine, building up, filling with something.

Filling with poop.

I turned slowly to my teacher, careful not to agitate the poop demon forming inside of my body. He had a scraggly beard, and was of medium height. He looked like a Russian. Don’t ask me why, he just looked like one. He had a shirt on that read: “Without music, life would Bb.” Usually I would have smirked and tapped the shoulder of the student fortunate enough to be sitting by me at the time, pointing to the shirt and mumbling: “haha, B flat.”

I didn’t find it funny this time.

“I think…” I began, but was unable to finish the words. I stepped down from the table, and loosed my belt a bit. “I think I need to use the bathroom.”

The whole class was staring at me now, trying to understand the horrible transformation I was going through. I had to get out of there. My eyes slowly scanned the classroom until they became dead-set on the door.

I became a blur of motion as I took off. I hurdled desks, and stepped on faces in my mad dash for the door. Upon reaching it I realized I had no time to use the handle, and kicked the door, smashing it open, and it slammed into one of the mentally handicapped students causing him to be flung across the campus. 

The class stared in shock out the window as I stumbled towards the library, the closest bathroom I could think of.

“No, don’t look away.” My professor said to one of the students who was hiding her face in her hands, crying. “This man has to take a gnarly ass shit.”

I stumbled toward the library, dodging picnic tables, and walking students as I went. One girl tried to stop me and ask what was wrong, but I pushed her down and snarled, “THE SHIT DEMON MUST BE BANISHED.” She scooted backwards slowly, her hands up in a protective position, before getting up and running. I looked down, I had been foaming at the mouth. The churning increased, pain lanced up my body.

I had to hurry.

I got to the library door, and beat on the glass until it shattered, leaving my hands a bloody mess. I reached inside, pulled on the push-bar, and the door opened.  I Looked around wildly for the bathroom, and spotted it. There, across the library.

A student standing near the door said “The door opens both ways, dude.”

I sprinted through the library, ignoring the pain in my abdomen. Most of the the students were already staring at me (probably because of the door), and I was forced to shove people out of my way.

I had just finished pushing an elderly woman down when I noticed it. Oh God, did I notice it. It was like a gift from god. Two wheels, one hand break, and a fresh coat of paint. it was a wheelchair. I grabbed the small girl sitting in it, and threw her across the room. I hopped on, and began surfing past the computers towards the bathroom. I jumped off of the chair just as it crashed into the bathroom door, swinging it wide open. I ran inside past some big baseball players laughing about something. They stared at my hands in horror, and looked past me at the chaos I had created. I ran past them, and straight to the first stall.

I tugged on the door. it wouldn’t open. The pain had become almost unbearable now. I could hear the groaning, growling sounds emanating from my stomach. I summoned the strength of my ancestors, and tore the entire door off of the stall, much to the surprise of the middle-aged asian man there. I grabbed him and tossed him out. I had no more time to take off my pants, so I ripped off all of my clothes, and threw myself on the toilet. “Finally.” I said aloud, letting out a deep breath. “I can be at peace.”

I waited for my bowels to void themselves, and for the never ending pressure to cease. Seconds went by, and still nothing happened.

“No. Please God, no.”

I whispered. I remembered the ludicrous amount of pure wheat I had consumed the day before on a double dog dare. They must be the beavers that were damming up the river of sweet, sweet release. I looked at the wall next to me frantically, searching for anything that would bring an end to my pain, when I saw it. Some scribbling on the wall, with a little arrow pointing down to what looked like a small ice cream container.

I grabbed it up and tore the lid off inspecting the contents inside. It was a brownish substance, with a little spoon in it. Having had no time left, and what seemed like no other option, I scooped a heaping spoonful into my mouth.

Time instantly slowed down. The pain ceased. I looked up and noticed there was a small crowd of onlookers with various forms of disgust on their faces. I looked at the wall, and noticed the words that I couldn’t quite make out before.

“I can’t take this LSD-Peyote, because I have a test. Enjoy!”

The words scrambled themselves, and re-arranged to read: “Joseph. You must fulfill the prophecy. Go fight the shit demon, and free yourself.” As I finished reading the last word, the toilet seat started to grow, and I was slipping into it.

I looked down at the rapidly growing toilet, and planted my hands firmly on the seat, willing the world to stop growing. I was the size of a hamster now, holding onto the edge of the toilet for dear life. I looked down below at the dark abyss that I knew would be the end of me. The handle depressed itself, and the water began to swirl violently, causing a vortex of air to begin sucking me towards the toilet. I held on with all I had, but I began to slip, and eventually I fell into the blackness, and all was dark.

I awoke on the hard ground, and looked around, taking in my new surroundings. I appeared to be in the mountains somewhere. The sky was dark, and a swirling cloud had formed over the plateau where I stood. I gazed out in wonder, trying to decipher what had happend to me.

I heard a gravelly, somewhat poopy voice behind me say, “So here you are, finally.” I whirled around, and froze in place at what I saw. I thought I was staring into a mirror for a second. It was my own face that stared back. Then I realized.

“YOU…DEMON” I announced. “MARK YOUR SURROUNDINGS WELL FIEND, FOR THIS IS YOU’RE FINAL RESTING PLACE.

It smiled at me, and slowly began transforming into a large terribble shitty-ass beast.

He lunged at me, and it was all I could do to dodge, and roll under him. I turned around and he was almost in front of me already. He made another dash at me, slashing at my feet with his wicked looking claws. I jumped over his arm and delivered a spinning kick at his chest. He blocked with his arm, and aimed a punch at my jaw. I knocked his enormous hand away, and jumped back.

He started laughing. quietly at first, then louder. Soon he was cackling maniacally.

“Listen here.” I said to the other me. “I’ve had enough of your shit.”

We both stopped and considered the last statement briefly, before I continued, “Pun intended.

This. Ends. NOW!”

a hole opened up in the clouds and it began to pulse with a bright white light, I raised my hand and a beam of pure energy shot down from the heavens and connected with upturned palm. Power surged through my veins, through my whole body, and I screamed, my body becoming engulfed in light.

The light began to fade, and I stepped forward. I had elaborate white armor with a sword shaped like a thunderbolt. I took another step. He was afraid now.

I pointed my sword at him and said, “BEGONE, FOUL DEMON!” I charged forward.

He raked his claws at me, and met my sword, which sliced neatly through his arm,  and continued past his head. cutting him in half in one clean stroke.

He fell to the ground in a brown, sizzling doo-doo mush.

I heard a rumbling, faint at first, then louder, I noticed the mountains around me began to split apart, and fall. cracks spiderwebbed across the surface of the plateau I was on. I tried to keep my balance and look for a way out.

The light returned, and began lifting me off the ground. I looked up into it’s blinding glow, then closed my eyes, it’s warmth putting me to sleep as the world around me crumbled.

I awoke to the sounds of clapping, and looked up. I was back in the stall, except I was naked, and the toilet was full to the brim, with poop. The crowd had filled up the men’s room, and spilled back out into the library. I looked around, and saw the girl from the wheelchair, the asian man, the elderly woman, and my class all clapping and cheering. One of the guys from my class even did that loud whistle I had never been able to get the hang of.

A beautiful girl I always saw around campus came to me, and offered her hand. I took it and slowly rose, muscles rippling. The crowd was admiring my bulging body, and I reached down and flushed the toilet.

“How was it?” The girl said.

Everyone quited at that statement.

 I grabbed her, and kissed her long and hard, then put her back down.  She was reeling from the kiss, and the rest were still deathly silent. I began walking out of the bathroom. Everyone was staring at my nude and heavily muscled form. I reached the door, and turned around slowly. I looked at the girl and said,

“Shitty.”

YEEEEEEEEEARGGGG parrots.

Captain Bluebeard strode the length of his ship The Fancy Sea-Cucumber from starboard to port, surveying  his men hard at work. As he walked he ran his hand along the railing of the somewhat out of shape, and aging ship. He had been feeling like taking a walk around the ship for weeks now, and was only just now getting around to it. In retrospect, that was odd because it was a small ship, and they had been at sea for a week.
He plodded up the few short steps to where his helmsman Lefty had the wheel with his right (and only) hand, and leaned against a rail there trying to look fearsome, and captain-ey.
Quickly getting bored of this, he walked back down the steps again towards the poop deck where some pirates were piling rigging, and doing various other pirate jobs, his peg leg clopping on every other step.
“Yeargh” He said approvingly, slightly nodding his head as he passed one pirate with an eye patch.
“yar” replied the pirate, without looking up from his work at cleaning a fish they had caught earlier.
“Yeargh?” he asked a pirate who was cleaning one of the canons.
“Yeardy har.” The pirate answered, his voice echoing from the barrel of the cannon.
Bluebeard continued on his walk. Over by the bow was his first-mate Smarmy Steve, who had a hook hand talked funny, and never did any work due to his smarmy attitude. He was standing over another pirate, smarmily telling him how to do his job.
Nearer the stern was a big man trying, (and failing) to count a handful of coins. That was Keg, the 6’6 300 pound monstrosity. Keg’s only job was to take care of trouble when The Captain ran into it, or when it ran into The Captain.
Feeling satisfied, He turned back towards his quarters so he could feed the rainbow colored parrot on his shoulder.
“It be time for feedin’ then, Jose.”
He said to his parrot, who promptly replied with
“Squawk! ¿Dónde está mi cena?”
 There was a loud thumping sound, and the captain whirled around just in time to see Ratty, the 5-year old cabin boy fall to the deck. The captain looked up at the rigging where he had previously been, then walked towards his limp form and prodded him with his peg-leg.
“Oy laddy, try ‘an keep a frim hold ta’ the rope when yer up there”.
Ratty layed there, sprawled awkwardly on the deck.
“Lad?” Blue beard poked him with his peg leg.
“MAN DOWN” yelled a pirate.
The crew circled around the boy. Keg shuffled over, and leaned down over him.
“Oy, Cap’n. Peg said, looking over Ratty’s lifeless body.  I fink ‘es dead”. This caused quite the murmur to start up among the crew.
“Oh do you think?” Smarmed Steve.
“That’s the 3rd toddler this month!” yelled one of the crew.
“Maybe we should get a monkey instead” shouted another crewman.
“Aye, aye, you may be right.” mused The Captain. Stroking his flowing blue beard, his pride and joy “They be much better climbers.”
The crew nodded and muttered in agreement.
“They smell better too!” Bluebeard added.
The crew laughed. Except Keg, who didn’t get it, and Ratty, who was dead.
“LAND AHOY” the lookout yelled from the crows nest. The crew ran towards the bow of the ship and looked out over the horizon, squinting. The captain raised his looking glass and furrowed his brow in concentration.
“Aye, land ahoy indeed!” he yelled to the pirate in the crows nest.
“That’s a good eye, lad. Come on down, you’ve earned yerself a break.”
The captain waited for the pirate to come down the netting. a minute passed, and nothing happened.
Blue beard raised his looking glass towards the crows nest. All he could see was what appeared to be a tree stump with an eyepatch.
“How in Neptune’s Blue Sillysacks did you get up there?” asked the captain.
The pirate said nothing.
“That’d be Barkley,” Lefty said. “The new lookout we picked up at the last port, Cap’n”
The Captain looked over at Lefty. “Well does he talk?” he asked.
“Aye, he’s just a tad shy, Cap’n. What with all these eyes on him.
“But he was the one who yelled earlier?”
“Aye.” Lefty said, nodding his head.
The Captain stared at him for a moment longer, unsure of what to make of the situation.
The Captain shrugged. “Keg, get ‘em down” he ordered.
Keg started clamoring up the ropes, alarmingly quick for a man of his size.
Steve walked over to the captain. “hey captaiiiiiiiiin, what port is this?” he asked in that smarmy voice of his as he leaned out over the rail covering his eyes from the sun.
“It be Scallywag Bay” Said Bluebeard.
The other pirates we’re visibly impressed, a few even “ooh’d, and ahh’d”.
“OY CAP’N” called keg from halfway up the riggings, “WHAT DO YOU FINK THE WOMEN ‘ERE ARE LIKE?”
“The women? Oh, there’ll be no gallavantin’ around on this trip, boys” ordered the captain. “I be here for business. As far as the women are concerned… I wouldn’t trust one as far as I could throw one, and unless they’ve been on a diet, I couldn’t throw one very far.
Everyone but Ratty the Cabin Boy laughed that time.

Aliens vs. America

President Abraham Jefferson walked briskly down one of the many well-lit linoleum hallways in the White House. His short cropped dark brown hair slightly swaying as he strode. He heard disgusted sounds coming from the bathroom behind him, and quickened his pace, looking back over his shoulder towards the origin of the sounds.
    A man stumbled out of the bathroom, and clutched a passing woman. “Someone just took…the nastiest…shit…” He said in between breaths before slumping to the ground, passed out. It was Taco Tuesday at the White House Mess Hall. Abe was the only one who knew the culprit that dropped that nasty turd, and he wanted it to stay that way.
    This started quite a commotion as people rushed out of offices and men in black suits seemed to appear from nowhere. A crowd gathered around the downed man. The men in the black suits were talking into the microphones in their sleeves while pushing two fingers into the earplugs in their ears.
    ”The Secret Service!” The president thought as he looked over his shoulder. “If anyone knows the smell of my danky stankies it’s them!
His assistant Perry scurried down the hall after him trying to keep up with the president’s long strides.
    ”Sir!” he shouted. Abe pretended not to hear him. “Sir!” He repeated, this time with urgency in his voice. Abe narrowed his eyes and walked faster, hoping to avoid his assistant, which in turn, meant avoiding work. At this point his pace had escalated to a light jog.
    ”MR PRESIDENT” He yelled. The president, sensing defeat, suddenly stopped, and turned back causing Perry to run into him. His assistant gave a short yelp, and fell to his backside on the tiled floor. The president loomed over him like a giant. Perry wasn’t exactly a small man, neither was the president a large man. He just commanded a sort of presence few were capable of. “I guess that’s why he’s the president” Perry thought.
He grabbed the young black-haired man by the arm and lifted him to his feet.
    ”Perry, I don’t have time for your Ebay or Youtube or whatever it is you want. I have important business to attend to, and I can’t be bothered right n-” He fell silent as his eyes drifted to what his assistant had in his hands. Abe recognized the seal on the folder he was holding.
    ”Is that what I think it is?” Abe asked. He snatched the folder bearing the U.N.’s Emergency Seal on it. “What in the world could this be about?” He wondered as he stared down at the manilla envelope. He pondered for a moment more before loudly announcing. “I’ll be in the Justice Cave. I’m not to be disturbed”.
    The President’s eyes got a sort of glazed over look, and he started humming a patriotic sounding tune. He turned, and left his very annoyed looking assistant. As he jogged down the hall away from Perry the hum gradually became louder until he was singing a wordless, yet still unfathomably American tune.
    A young man in a suit walking down the hall opposite them stopped and gave Perry a quizzical look. Perry shrugged his shoulders and stated matter-of-factly “That’s what he calls the Oval Office.”
    The president sat in his Justice Cave pouring over the documents his assistant had recently handed him. He found in them a letter addressed to him from the British Prime Minister. It read:
Abe,
    I haven’t the time for formalities. They are watching us even now. About a week ago a team of our top British Astronomers we’re doing their star-looking, or whatever it is astronomers do, When they noticed something strange. They saw what looked like a cluster of asteroids headed our way. Now normally this sort of thing would be dismissed because we have every asteroid that could possibly be a threat, recorded, and their destinations mapped. These were different in that there was no record of them! Well, upon further investigation they have found that these “meteors” were emitting some sort of signal. One of the recordings are enclosed. This situation is escalating quickly. Do not attempt to contact me by anything but the postal service. They don’t appear to have realized we still use that. Might I suggest we use contingency plan Alpha Sigma Sigma Bravo Uniform Tango Tango, or ASSBUTT.
 Harold “Harry” Balls,
British Prime Minister

    Abe sifted through the documents in the envelope until he found a cd case labeled “Confidential” He popped it in his computer, and waited a moment. Nothing happened. Eventually a program popped up on the screen. “No, I don’t want to listen to it in Windows Media Player” he said aloud. He was clicking frantically on the screen, but it seemed to have frozen. “fucking thing.” He muttered as he fiddled with the computer.
    He clicked a button on his desk, and said: “Perry could you come in here for a moment please?” He waited a second, and the door opened and his mousy assistant scurried in.
“Yes?” he asked.
    ”Yeah, how come every time I put in a god damn CD it opens in Windows media Player instead of Itunes? I don’t even use that program, can’t you just uninstall it?”
    ”Let me see.” perry said as he strode over to the desk and took control of the mouse pointer. “You just right click on the CD…hit properties, change file location, and…done.”
“Thank you, Perry. This is why I keep you around, you know.” The President said dismissively.
Perry stared blankly at the president for a second before shaking his head, and leaving.
    The president re-inserted the cd, and was pleased to see it open in the correct program. He hit the play button and leaned back in his chair.
At first there was static, but then he heard distant metallic voices.
“Man, this shit is all wack. That storm on the way over dun fucked. Us. Up.” a voice said.
“Oh shit son I think we’re recording.” A second voice interrupted.
A scuttling sound was heard, and then the first voice said louder. “Greetings earth people.”
“Wassup?” the second voice said in greeting, barely audible “Lay dat wisdom on dem hoes”
    The first voice continued. “According to act 338 of the United Planets Treaty, we been sent here by the Inter-Galactic Council to evaluate yo technological progress, and threat level and shit. For the last 5 Earth-years we’ve been in cryosleep while our ship traveled through hyperspace, an we been learnin’ ALLL about Earth culture. We’ve had access to your primary education network, or as you call it “The B.E.T.” and lemme just give that a shout out cause that shit is DOPE.”
“Dat shit cray.” the second voice said.
    ”Now here’s the thing.” The first voice continued. “We want all of y’all to just sit the fuck back, and chill out while we scan this shit. If everything goes O.K. you won’t see us for another couple hundred years. If it looks like you’re culture is overwhelmingly violent, or disease ridden, then we have permission to just straight up kill all y’all.”
The second voice yelled ‘WE GON’ ICE YOU MUFUKKAS”
    ”So yeah. Just like chill, or whatever, pretend we’re not here. You know, do whatever it is that you Earth people do. and we’ll be outta here pretty soon…or you know…we’ll blow up your planet…Peace up, A-town down y’all. I’m OUTIE.
    The signal became fuzzy again. Abe sat back in his chair, and rubbed at his temples. He clicked the intercom button on his desk.
    ”Perry, get me the white house stenographer.” He reached under his desk and pulled out two bottles. One of whiskey, and the other of Tylenol.
“Taco fuckin’ Tuesdays.” Abe thought, as he popped the caps off.



    Harry Balls, the Prime Minister of England looked up from his stack of letters as he heard a knock on the door. “Come in.” he said. A tall young man with short black hair stepped in, straightening his suit as he closed the door behind him. “Ahh, Agent Double Oh Sixty Nine. A pleasure to see you as always, and to what do I owe this visit?”

    Agent 0069 stepped towards the short plump white haired man and took a seat in front of his desk. “I’ve come with dire news sir. The aliens have sent us another message simply saying “y’all gon’ and done it now.” Then they disappeared. We believe they mean to return with reinforcements. He said as he reached down to the plate of pastries sitting on the prime ministers desk. “Hell to the fuck yes, strawberry.” he added.
    
    What caused them to do that? Prime Minister Balls asked.

    0069 wanted to talk, but was still eating the strawberry crumpet from the plate on Harry’s desk, and had just taken a particularly large bite before the prime ministers inquiry. 0069 rocked his head back side to side in a “sorry I took that huge bite mid-converstion” manner, and held up a finger indicating that he’d be done chewing in a second.

    Harry twiddled his thumbs and he looked down at his desk for a second, then he reached over to his mouse, and refreshed his Facebook. 0069 leaned his head forward indicating that he was near the completion of his chewing and was about to swallow his food.  Harry had no new notifications, but he did have a Farmville request. “Deny that shit, and that, and that, and all that shit there, too.” he said under his breath.

    “Well sir,” 0069 finally said as he lifted his head back up. “It appears that the Russians have fired a tactical nuke at the alien vessel.”

    “They did what?” The Prime Minister said in bewilderment.
    
    “A nuclear warhead was fired from the Chernobyl area. The Russian government denies all involvement.” 0069 replied.

    “Poppycock! Hogwash! Swashbuckling thundercunt! Harry said. Plan ASSBUTT will no longer be effective! I…I don’t know what to do…I need to consult the other members of the U.N.

    “But sir, what about Jefferson? He’s going ahead with ASSBUTT isn’t he?”

    The Prime Minister leaned forward in his chair, sweat pouring down his chubby little face and shouted “Quickly, 0069 get me my assistant!”

    0069 ran out of the room, and was replaced by a short brown haired woman who with a worried look on her face. “Kathleen! Bring me my butler!” The prime minister cried. She hurried out of the room and before the door closed a bald man in a tuxedo entered. “Quickly, Smithers! Get  me my writing pen!” Harry ordered his butler Smithers. The butler promplty walked over to a small table near the window and picked up a pen. He then calmly walked over to the Prime Minister, and after handing him the pen, backed up and held his hands behind his back.

    “No, not my multicolored pen, the one where you click it and a different message shows up.” he said. Smithers went back to the desk and hovered his hand over a pen looking back at Harry for confirmation. “No, Smithers, not the Stewie one.” Smithers moved his hand over a bit. “Is that my Dave Chappel one? Click it until it says “I’m Rick James, bitch” Smithers clicked the pen as he walked back to the Prime Ministers desk.

After receiving his writing pen, the Prime Minister set to work writing another letter to Abe Jefferson. His only hope was that the letter would arrive in time.
    



    Perry sprinted up the steps to the white house and down the hall towards the Justice Cave clutching a manilla envelope, similar to the one he had brought the president 2 days ago. He tore  through one of the offices slowing only briefly to check out one of the intelligence officers breasts. “Nice.” he thought as he jumped over chairs and rolled between legs until he made it back out into the hall, and ran until he got to the Oval Office.

    The President looked up as his door was kicked open by his usually calm assistant.

    “It’s from Harry.” A very disheveled and heavily breathing Perry said as he handed the envelope over to the president. Abe grabbed it, ripped it open and pulled the letter out. His eyes began to widen as they scanned the contents of the letter. When he finished he crumpled the letter up and threw it in the fireplace.

    “What did it say, sir? Perry asked.

    The president didn’t answer, he just walked over to his desk and reached underneath it. A clicking noise was heard and then a ticking noise followed.

    “It means shit just got real.” The President said before finishing off the rest of the whiskey on his desk.

    The clicking stopped and suddenly the floor underneath abe vanished, and he was sucked down into the blackness below leaving a very confused Perry to himself.



    Abe kept his arms by his side as he slid down a silvery, metallic tube  A voice began to come out of the top of the tube, echoing down the slide.

    “Mr. President. This is only a prototype. It’s not ready yet so you might have some malfunctions. I assume you’ve gone through the training for this particular system, so we’ll leave this up to you. Good luck sir.”

    Abe gritted his teeth as he saw a light approaching quickly. He was violently thrust out of the tube and landed in the sitting position of a chair in some sort of cockpit.

    “I’m in” Abe said. With that, screens and buttons began to light up, and an engine could be heard starting up.

    “Ok.” the voice from before said through some small speakers on the dashboard. “Systems diagnostic check. Coolant, and filtration systems?

    Abe flipped a switch, and watched a bar fill up from red to blue, and hold. “Check.” he replied.

    “Life Support and Auxillery Power?” The voice asked

    Abe clicked a few keys on a keyboard. “At maximum.”

    “Main thrusters, fuel, and stabilizers?” said the voice.
    
    Abe started flipping switches above his head, and pressed a few things on the screen in front of him. Everything lurched, and Abe felt himself start to move. “Check.”

    “Let’s see here.” the voice said. “Computer systems?”
    
    Abe read a few screens, then turned a knob to the right. “Check.” he replied to the voice.

    “Weapons?” The voice inquired. Abe flipped a switch and waited. Nothing. He flipped the switch back and forth a few times. “Weapons?” the voice asked again. Abe let go of the switch and fastened his safety belt.

    “Don’t need ‘em.” Abe said as the screen in front of him clicked into view, showing a view of the Washington Monument.



    Harry arrived at the white house with 0069 and was escorted to a small room with a television and several important looking people all huddled around a few flatscreens showing different things.

    A young man strode over and offered his hand to Harry. “Prime Minister, I’mPerry” he said. “Abe’s personal assistant.”

    “Ah, I see. And where is Abe at?” The Prime Minister asked.

    Perry stepped aside to show the prime minister the television. “See for yourself.”

    The television showed a view of the sky, and what looked like a white man soaring upwards, with white blue jets spewing from his feet. Upon further inspection Harry realized that it was a giant bust of Abraham Lincoln. As the figure got higher bits of white began to break off revealing huge robotic limbs and silvery metallic plating. Suddenly another television was clicked on by a man in blue, only to show what looked like a view of earth from a satellite. A multicolored orb could be seen floating nearby with a giant ship the size of the moon emerging through it.

    “It appears a warship is exiting some sort of wormhole.” Perry said. “The president  took one of our prototype weapons up there to try and stop it.”

    “One of your what? What is that?” 0069 said pointing to the screen on the left with the giant robot quickly ascending into the atmosphere.

    Perry turned to him and stated matter-of-factly “That’s Lincoln.”



    Abe shot upward like a bullet out of a gun. Faster and faster he soared upwards, the behemoth  ship looming in the distance as he headed towards it. He broke atmosphere and suddenly it felt like he stopped moving. His feet slowly drifted off the floor, and he felt his stomach lurch into his gut like he was doing a loop on Revolution. That was his favorite because it had only one loop, not like X or Tatsu which were scary as shit. The ship kept getting bigger and bigger until abe thought it might be the same size as Earth itself. As he neared he passed several smaller ships that seemed to be flowing out of the main vessel. He weaved in and out of them with no difficulty. The ships didn’t seem to have expected something to be coming towards them, and some of the first that he passed had begun to turn around to pursue. He was almost on the ship now. An oblong egg shaped ship that was buzzing with activity much like a beehive. He noticed a large blue opening towards the front. What looked like a replica of the large ship was emerging from the gaping hole that had seemed to form in the side of the ship. Abe pushed his thrusters to maximum, and rocketed towards the opnening. A green bar flew past his screen, and harmlessly bounced of the large ship. Abe turned his head to look at the view screen showing behind him. Several of the smaller ships had begun firing at him from their ships. Abe started spinning and zig zagging to avoid being obliterated.

    Finally he reached the opening, and flew past the still slowly emerging smaller clone ship. What he saw looked like the inside of a cave, but with thousands of parked ships of various shape and size. He flew past them without thinking and headed for a small passage at the end of the cave. He flew into the corridor his suits shoulders almost scraping the walls. He closed the view port and turned auto pilot on to traverse the corridors. His computer indicated a large opening ahead of him, and he popped his view port back open and raced through the hole into a large room filled with alien machinery. There was a blue orb floating in the center of the room with severall small robots scuttering around it going to various consoles and ultimately ignoring Abe. He flew around the room a few times and slowed his suit until he was hovering above it. He slowly lowered the suits thrusters until its feet were on the ground. He landed with a small clank which sent ripples through the orb and the robots scattered into small holes in the walls. Abe walked towards the orb, each clank startling the orb. He reached out to touch it, and as his robotic finger made contact a loud ringing started emitting from the glowing orb. Sirens began to wail through the ship, and the holes the robots left through were closed by heavy looking doors. Abe stepped backwards in his suit. When he made another clank, a bar of white hot energy flew out of the orb and seared a hole in the wall. Abes suit lifted back off, and flew towards the door he had entered through, but as he neared, it too slammed shut. He pounded a robotic fist on it which prompted another bar of energy to fly out of the orb, this time nearly missing Abe. Abe knew what he had to do, if he was gonna get out of here he had to make as much noise as he could. Pounded on the door more, energy shot out in every direction, one of the beams taking out his robotic left arm. With his remaining arm he kept pounding on the door until a huge beam of energy blew a giant hole in the ceiling. The orb began to turn red and started to expand. Abe tried to back away, but was quickly engulfed in the red light. His monitors went crazy, and he began to hear warning noises in his own suit which added to the ones on the ship. The light got brighter and brighter and abe felt weaker and weaker until he stopped feeling anything. Everything  was black and he slowly started to close his eyes, too tired to hold them open anymore. All of the sudden he was jolted back awake by a thundering boom and a crashing sound that violently shook his ship until with one final crash he rammed into something. He lay there for a second, clutching his seatbelt for dear life. He felt around on his body to make sure all of him was intact, and tried to switch his suit back on. Nothing would turn on. He fiddled with a switch until the Auxiliary power came back on. Casting a faint blue light on him and the exposed circuitry that used to be his cockpit. The tapping persisted, until abe pulled the manual view shutter. Light blinded him. He squinted through the light until he could see a familiar looking man tapping on the machine with a stick. The President squinted his eyes even further, straining to see who it was. When his eyes focused enough his breath caught in his throat as he realized who he was looking at. It was Abraham Lincoln.

Spy Story

I clambered out of the pool, and looked back in. The water was starting to turn a scarlet red. The man, Dead now, had tried to strangle me with my arm floaties, and he had payed dearly for it. I had fished his wallet out and grabbed his cash. Running back towards my house, I thought out loud “The door’s probably locked.”. I tackled the door down, and fell with it.  It wasn’t locked after all. Oh well. I go up, dusted myself off, and ran down the hallway towards my study, the ornate oil paintings of my nude body in various positions whizzing past my head. Handstand, splits, indian style. They all blurred together as I neared my destination. I slid around the corner, and darted into the room, just in time to see a huge fist coming towards my face.

I came to on the ground, staring up at what appeared to be the largest man that had ever existed. I followed the closed fist that had struck me down to an arm the size of a tree trunk, and that lead to huge hunching shoulders, which then turned into an ugly bald head. The man was grinning down at me as he reached down and picked me up by my shirt.

“Strokoff doesn’t want you poking around his business anymore, mister spy.” He said in what must have been a thick russian accent, although I couldn’t quite make out what he was saying.

“NO I DIDN’T” I flailed my arms and legs upwards until they made contact with genitalia. The man went down, and I quickly got to my feet. A little too quickly in fact, because the room was still spinning. “WHY WOULD I PUT VANILLA ON MY STROGANOFF ANYWAYS?” I shouted at him.

For a second the man looked puzzled, but then he resumed his look of pain.

“I will give back pay for that” he sputtered, before his eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he passed out from the pain.

I dashed over to the bookcase, and grabbed “Black Belt Patriotism”, by Chuck Norris, and pulled it towards me. The bookcase slowly slid sideways (say that 5X fast), to reveal an elevator with a tiny speaker at the top, and one button. I stepped in and hit the button. It immediately started going down towards my secret underground spy bunker.

I arrived at the bottom, and stepped into a large room filled with weapons, gadgets, and a Ford Explorer from the mid-90’s. I looked on the nearest wall, and paroozed the many guns that were on it. There were small guns, tall guns, red guns and blue guns. Like any good secret agent I opened the drawer that was underneath a few large looking machine guns, and grabbed a small pistol that looks like it belonged in a womans purse. I Checked the clip, and grabbed a few for the road.

I then looked over to a small table with a suitcase on it, and walked over to inspect the contents. I unzipped it and rifled through what was inside. There was some underwear, a few hawaiin shirts, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and some socks. It looked like someone had packed me a vacation suitcase. That was the last thing they would be expecting though. I grabbed the suitcase, and threw it in the Explorer. I would have to figure out how the gadgets worked on the way.

I got in, and started the engine. Just wait until I figure out what this bad boy could do. Rockets, lazers, a jet engine? Only time (and maybe a phone call to HQ) would tell. I I took my own advice, and as I pulled out of the driveway, and turned down the street, I called HQ up.

“Hello” A british man answered.

“it’s Agent Winter” I said

“You’re alive?” he said. the bewilderment was clearly present in the mans voice. “I thought strokoff had you killed?”

I smirked. “well, Im not so easy to kill.” “What do you got for me in the gadget department?” I asked. “I grabbed the suitcase, and the car”.

“Suitcase…Car?” He sounded truly Bewildered now. “All the missions equipment is here at HQ!”

I was silent for a moment “So, the suitcase full of vacation items, and the Ford Explorer, are just…a suitcase full of vacation items, and a ford explorer?”

“Yes of course! You we’re going on vacation! You told me yourself! Listen, just come back to Headquarters, and we can get you properly equipped.”

I looked at my clock. No time for that, Strokoff would be attempting to lauch the missile any minute now. “Uh no can do” I said.

“What do you mean no can do? He was breathing heavily now, obviously getting irritated. Are you honestly headed to Strokoffs Villa with a Ford Explorer, and a suitcase full of vacation items?”

“well…” I started “I got a gun”

He was silent for a moment. “well I suppose that would help.”  “what did you grab? That garage was well equipped.”

“well, its um. It’s kind of smallish.”

“Smallish?” he said. “Don’t tell me you only brought a walter?” I heard a heavy sigh. “Sometimes I wonder how you got this job. You aren’t prepared for this. You could get killed out there.”

I was silent for a moment, then I leaned towards the speaker, and whispered “Fuck you.”

I could hear snickering from the other side of the line, probably one of the call monitors. “NO FUCK Y-“

I ended the call. HQ could suck it. “I’m my own agent” I thought.

I began approaching the gate. It was time to see what this car was capable of. As I drove towards the gate at full speed, the guards who had been stationed at the gate opened fire. The windshield was shot out, so I ducked down, and returned fire, blindly. My body bounced as I hit the curb, and then  I made contact, and must have hit my head, because I was feeling very tired.

“I need to stay awake.” I thought. “I can’t pass out now”.I never have been too good at self control, and soon my vision went from black spots to completely black, which seemed to be a recurring theme in my life.

The room came into view. “This can’t be healthy” I said to myself. 

I looked up, and took note that I wasn’t in the car anymore. In fact, I wasn’t even outside. I was in what looked like a boiler room. There was machinery all around me, and the walls and floor were made of stone. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t for some reason. I looked down, and realized my hands and feet were tied to a chair. I heard a fammiliar laugh, and slowly turned my head only to see the burly russian from before.

“You again”. I said.

“you are not looking so well” He laughed. “I told you I would give back pay” He said with a grin.

“well the only backpay you’ll get” I started “is with a cash register in your-” I was interrupted by a staggering pain in my face. I spit up some blood, and looked up. He was wiping off his hands with a rag.

“You know you are becoming a bit of a pest to Mr. Strokoff. It would be easier to just kill you now, and be rid of this problem”.

He pulled a gun out of his suit, and pointed it at my face. “I hope you’re ready to meet maker” He chortled.

“Meet your maker” I corrected him.

“what?” he said. “You don’t be giving me the lessons of english. I hold the gun, I control the party”.

“The situation?” I said.

“what?” he repeated “What are you saying to me?” He was beginning to look angry now. “I have gun I make decisions. I talk I do all of the things when I have gun.

“Poop?” I asked.

He didn’t look like he understood. I leaned forward in the chair as much as I could, and narrowed my eyes. “You can poop for me because you’re holding the gun?” I asked. We stared in silence at me for a second. “So you-“

“NO MORE TALKING” He yelled. I heard the hammer click into position. I awaited my death. He pointed the gun at me, and I closed my eyes. I heard something fly thorough the air, and something else hitting the ground.

I slowly opened my eyes, and he was laying face down with a knife in the back of his head. I looked up from him to what seemed to me to be the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen.

She had blond hair, blue eyes, and a body to die for. She was wearing a Dolphin suit, which she managed to make look sexy.

“Dolphin suit” I said “Classic HQ… Did he shoot me?” I asked.“

The woman looked puzzled

“Because this must be heaven.” My best line was met with a blank stare. We both were silent for a moment “My arm is bleedin-” I started, before she cut me off.

“You’re an idiot.” she said “HQ sent me to clean up this mess you’ve got yourself in.”

“And you are?” I asked

I’m Agent Summer.” she said putting one hand on her hip.

I whistled. We agents weren’t allowed to meet each other usually, but I had heard Summer was a hottie. “Well at least untie me then” I demanded. She yanked the knife out of the mans head, and wiped it on his suit before using it to cut me out. “Thanks” I said. “What are you doing here? Did HQ send you?” I asked.

She began to untie me. “I was in the neigborhood when I got a transmission from Rupert-“

“who?” I asked.

“The voice that seems to come from any electronic device you’re near. British accent, has been giving you orders for years now?”

Rupert was his name. I had totally forgotten. He was a weird asshole anyways. “Well do you know my mission?” I asked.

“Yeah, Rupert gave me the rundown. Strokoff trying to start WWIII again?”.

I put out my hands, exasparated. “yeah, 4th time this year.”

We both shook our heads.

“well, let’s get to it” she said.

I started to walk past her, but slowed as I passed by, noticing her super fine ass. “Bonerville, Population:me.” I whispered, mostly to myself. Something seemed off though. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I had always thought the other guys were joking when they called her hot, but she genuinely seemed pretty. A strong jawline, but nothing to lose my wood over.

“Excuse me? she said.

“nothing” I replied. “We have to go get Strokoff.”

she looked back at me. I could tell she trusted me. I must have read her signals wrong, because I leaned in for a kiss. I grabbed her head to give her the passionate tongue-hug, but instead got head-butted in the face.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR” I yelled, holding my eye.

“I’m not that type of girl” she responded.

“Then what kind of girl are you?” I sputtered, then under my breath added “Bitch.”

She looked at me, a flash of anger washing across her face. “were not here to talk, were here to complete a mission” she said

“Then lets go get that launch sequence” I finished. I tried to grab her butt, but was kicked in the chest. After I got up we took off for the top floor of Strokoff’s Villa.

“Strange” she said as we ran up the marble corridor “shouldn’t there be some guards?” As she said that I noticed that the corridors were empty. “We need to hurry.” I told her.

We arrived at the Top floor, breathing heavily, and made our way to the end of a hall with two double wide doors that were closed.

“Well this is it” I said

“I guess so” AgentSummer replied. “you ready?”

“as I’ll ever be.” We brandished our weapons. Her two Uzi’s, and my womans pistol. She looked at it, then me, then it, then me. I shrugged.

“its not about the size of the pistol…” I started.

“It’s how good you are at having sex with it.” She finished.

I looked down for a moment, at nothing in particular, trying to figure out the meaning of that sentence. then said. “Well, lets get this over with.” “1…2…3!” We kicked the door down. and stepped inside weapons ready. we quickly scanned the room before lowering our weapons. There were bullet holes and bodies everywhere. One lone man was standing by the French doors that led out to the rooms balcony, His coat fluttering in the wind.

“Took you long enough.” He laughed as he slowly turned around. The man was wearing a perfectly clean tuxedo, despite the state of the room. He had short gray hair, and a french mustache. It was my old mentor.

“you” I said.

“Me.” he shot back.

“you we’re supposed to be dead!”I shouted

“No. I went rogue after being left for dead in france.” he looked away, pain on his face.

“but why?” I asked. “You were like a father to me”

He said nothing for a second. “I figured you’d show up…but I expected it to be a little more flashy. You drove a car through the front gate, and crashed into a statue.”

my female savior looked at me with a curious glance “wait you did what?” she said.

“You don’t have to do this” I interjected, trying to change the subject. “You can come back to HQ with me and it’ll be like old times. Give me the launch codes, you do have them right?” I asked.

“Things have changed. HQ is different…I have a mustache now. We both know i can’t go back.” He said with a regretful look on his face.

“Well we need those launch codes either way” I said, slowly advancing towards him. The pair of us lifted our guns, and he backed up to the edge of the patio. “On my mark we open fire.” I whipsered to summer. she slowly lifted the gun

“SHOOT” I yelled, and started firing my weapon, bursts of red were exploding from Summer’s gun. He took one bullet in the shoulder, but jumped off the patio. we ran to the railing and looked out, only to realize that the the villa, like most bad guy villas, was built on the side of a cliff overlooking the ocean. He had a parachute on, and was floating downwards towards a boat that was waiting for him in the water.

“Au Revoir” He yelled waving to us. We watched as he landed in the boat, the driver started it up, and they sped off.

“where was he hiding that parachute?” Agent Summer asked.

A look of pain flashed across my face as I remembered the parachute-hiding training. “You don’t wannna know.” I said. “You do not want to know.”

We made our way back outside of the villa where HQ’s “Cleanup Crew” was busy at work disposing of bodies. It was starting to get dark.

“I should have had him” I said

“No, it wasn’t your fault. He is the one who trained you.” She touched my arm.

  “Say what’s your name anyways?” I asked.

“Benjamin.” She replied. I stared for a minute.

“I knew I thought I recognized you. I knew a Benjamin back at HQ who had a desk job…you wouldn’t happen to be related to-“

“I go by Benjette now” She interrupted. I felt sick.

“Well, how about my place for drinks?” she/he asked, trying to break the awkward silence as she/he inspected the wreckage of the explorer.

“Well maybe” I started, my face turning ever greener. My phone started ringing. “Saved” I thought. I fished the phone out of my pocket and answered. “hello? Yeah I can be there by tomorrow.” I hung up the phone. “Sorry ben, The world needs me”

I whistled, and one of the crew members ran over with a jetpack in hand. “Ben” I said. “Take your hand off of my privates” Benjamin did, and I fired up the jetpack, and flew out into the night. As I did I heard Benjamin yell.

” I think I love you!”

I accelerated the jetpack, and Yelled “WHAT?” until I was out of ear shot. “That was a close one” I thought. But in my line of work, it always was.